Perimenopause Isn't Creating Your Rage. It's Revealing It

There seems to be a rumbling happening among women in midlife.

I hear it in my therapy office and from so many friends.

I hear it from women who have spent decades being capable, responsible, accommodating, productive, and dependable.

Then sometime during their forties or fifties a veil, a haze, gets lifted and they look around and think,

"What the hell have I been doing?!!?"

Then they get angry. Often really angry.

And everyone wants to blame the hormones and that’s part of the story for sure but it’s definitely not the whole story.

The hormones aren’t creating the rage, they're revealing it.

One of the things I've noticed is that women often arrive at perimenopause carrying so much shit. 

They're carrying marriages, children, parents, jobs, friendships, other people's emotions, expectations and other people's comfort.

They've gotten really, really good at taking care of all of it.

Until one day it gets too heavy, and it’s not because they suddenly became weaker they've literally been carrying it for thirty damn years.

They're tired.

A shift has begun.

People sometimes tell me they don't even recognize themselves anymore.

They're less patient. Less willing to tolerate things. Less interested in pretending. Less interested in making everyone comfortable.

Sometimes that scares them and they wonder if they're becoming “mean”.

I don't think they're becoming mean, I think they're becoming more honest. 

As women we’ve been taught our entire lives to not trust ourselves.

Be agreeable, don't be difficult, don't take up too much space, don't make other people uncomfortable, don't be angry, don't be too much. Look this way but not that way. Have a voice but don’t be too opinionated. Everyone’s got something to say about how women need to be and it’s beyond exhausting.

I don't think it's an accident that so many women begin asking completely different questions during perimenopause.

“Do I actually want this job?”

“Do I even like this relationship?”

“Why am I the one holding everything together?”

“Why am I the one buying my husband’s mom her birthday present?”

“Why am I packing everyone's suitcase but my own?”

“What would happen if I stopped?”

“Could I handle disappointing people?” 

“What do I actually want?”

“Do I even like this couch? This house? This life?”

I've had women tell me,

"I can't believe I put up with that shit for so damn long."

"I've known this in my gut the whole time… in fact, I knew it on our wedding day.”

"I can't believe I let someone treat me like that."

Those aren't brand new thoughts.

They're thoughts that have finally gotten loud enough that they can’t be ignored anymore.

But really, underneath the rage is something much more tender. Something softer. Something much more vulnerable. 

It’s sadness and grief.

Grief for years spent taking care of everyone else.

Grief for the voice that’s been ignored.

Grief for the boundaries you never knew you were allowed to have.

Grief for all the times your body was telling you something and you had to brush it under the rug  because you had to keep going. You had to survive. You did what you needed to because of course you did!

And it worked until it stopped working. 

And that’s when the rage shows up.

The anger gets all the attention because it's loud, it has a lot to say, and it can feel empowering.

Finally, after all this time, you've got something to say and you're not going to be shy about it.

Burn those bridges.

Scorch the earth.

There are no more fucks to give.

People often ask me what they're supposed to do with all this anger. What are they supposed to do with all of this what. the. absolute. hell?

I’ll tell you what you do with it. You listen to it.

Now I’m not saying to act on every impulse… definitely not. Discretion is key here. You don’t need to burn your life down overnight for fuckssake but just start getting curious.

Your anger is telling you something. It’s like those sirens that go off in the neighborhoods when the city is testing the emergency alert system.

If there's that much rage in your system there's a really good chance your boundaries have been crossed.

Maybe by other people.

Maybe by the culture you grew up in.

Maybe by you.

Perimenopause is the time of life where women start asking different questions.

Not, "What do people need from me?"

But, "What do I need?"

For some women that's terrifying because they've never really thought about the answer to that question before.

Or if they have been listening, they learned not to answer.

Once the anger starts to settle, it’s wild to see what starts to happen next.

Women don't become smaller.

They don't become less capable.

They don't stop getting things done. Oh lord no they don’t. 

The energy just changes.

It becomes less gripping.

Less forceful.

There’s less hustle and more allowing.

More openness and more trust starts showing up.

I often tell people that open palms are more powerful than clenched fists. So much better to release and receive.

The work becomes less about proving something.

And more about living from a place that finally feels like their own.

This is one of the reasons I tell people all the time 

“We'll go as fast as we can and as slow as we need to.”

Besides, you can't undo forty years of leaving yourself in a weekend or in one session. 

This isn't about becoming a different woman, it's about remembering the core of who you’ve always been.

Maybe that's why so many women describe midlife as both devastating and liberating. 

Suddenly they've never felt more like themselves and just don’t give a care like they used to.

That’s beautiful in so many ways and it also means that everything that’s built up until this point is suddenly being questioned.

So no... I don't think perimenopause is creating your rage.

I think it's revealing everything you've known for a very long time but couldn't let yourself know until now.

Sometimes the greatest gift of midlife isn't becoming someone new.

It's finally believing the woman you've been all along.

About Erin Linehan

Return to Within is the online home of AS/WITHIN, the psychotherapy practice of Licensed Professional Counselor Erin Linehan who is based in Colorado. This is a place for thoughtful conversations about trauma, nervous system healing, self trust, grief, relationships, and the slow, courageous work of coming home to yourself. Whether you're navigating anxiety, burnout, major life transitions, or simply feeling like you've lost touch with who you are, these essays are here to remind you that the answers aren't somewhere outside of you. They're already within.

Ready to stop overriding yourself?

If you've reached a place where the life that once worked no longer fits, you don't have to figure out what comes next by yourself.

Therapy can be a place to slow down, listen to what your body has been trying to tell you, and begin building a life that feels more like your own.

If you're ready, I'd be honored to walk alongside you.

Schedule a consultation or email directly at hello@returntowithin.com